strength.

psalm 27:

"The Lord is my light & my salvation- so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord- the thing I seek most- is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections & meditating in his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing & praising the Lord with music. Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful & answer me! My heart has heard you say, "Come & talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me. O God of my salvation! Even if my father & mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave & courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

i feel a little alone.

psalm 73: 21-26, 28: "Then i realized that my heart was bitter, & i was all torn up inside. i was so foolish & ignorant - i must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. yet i still belong to you; you hold my right hand. you guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. whom have i in heaven but you? i desire you more than anything on earth. my health may fail, & my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever . . . But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the sovereign Lord my shelter, & i will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do."

psalm 71.

deuteronomy 31:6: "So be strong & courageous! do not be afraid & do not panic before them. for the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

send your help Father.

so far to go.

i feel like i need so much growth in my walk with Christ. you are all i need! sometimes i feel so separated, like i don't belong in this world- but i do at the same time. it's a weird feeling. this quote from one tree hill reminds me of how i feel, "Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin, or kind of like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time and I don't belong." Father help me with this. i need you. i have to have your help or else i won't break through, i won't get through this.

more on loving others: 1 john 3:18: "Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."

i learned so much about love this past weekend at Meghan & Ben's wedding. what a beautiful picture, two people who patiently waited, coming together as one in Your name to further the glory of Your kingdom. oh God, it encourages me to wait, patiently & confidently. i want to! i want that beautiful & pure moment. when you know everything, everything, is right. is Your timing. is Your picture. 

i also learned a whole lot about solitude. that we think of solitude as loneliness, but being alone isn't a bad thing- it's a gift from You! these quotes are from the Solitude chapter in Henri Nouwen's The Only Necessary Thing: "But as Christian we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift- as God's gift -so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God. It is precisely there where we are most alone, most unique, more ourselves, that God is closest to us. That is where we experience God as the divine, loving Father, who knows us better than we know ourselves. Solitude is the way in which we grow into the realization that where we are most alone, we are most loved by God."

"It is in solitude that we discover being is more important than having, and that we are worth more than the result of our efforts. We discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared. It's there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we can express is part of a greater love; & that the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to, but a gift to be received."

"As we empty ourselves of our many worries, we come to know not only with our mind but also with our heart that we never were really alone, that God's spirit was with us all along..."

"The task is to persevere in my solitude, to stay in my cell until all my seductive visitors get tired of pounding on my door & leave me alone...the wisdom of the desert is that the confrontation with our own frightening nothingness forces us to surrender ourselves totally & unconditionally to the Lord Jesus Christ. only Christ can overcome the powers of evil."

"In solitude...fear & anger can slowly be unmasked as manifestations of a false self, & in solitude they can lose their power in the embrace of God's love."

Father thank you for solitude & silence. Thank you for aloness. Father I pray that i continue to recognize Matthew 6:6: "But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, & pray to your Father in private." I just beg of You that you fight my mind & the lies the Devil places in it in my solitude time, & that i seek this time of solitude every day. even if it hurts. God you will win. You will overcome evil.

i thank you for an incredible weekend. you...amaze & astonish me. there is no one else i would rather serve or love, God, than you. no one else i would rather follow. thank you for calling me. thank you for knowing my name. thank you for loving me & never, Lord, never leaving me alone. 

i will praise you forever & today.

silence.

Silence is the discipline that helps us to go beyond the entertainment quality of our lives. There we can let our sorrows & joys emerge from their hidden place & look us in the face, saying: "Don't be afraid; you can look at your own journey, its dark & light sides, & discover your way to freedom." Wherever we find silence, we should cherish it. Because it is in silence that we can truly acknowledge who we are & gradually claim ourselves as a gift from God. In silence we start hearing the voices of darkness: our jealousy & anger, our resentment & desire for revenge, our lust & greed, & our pain over losses, abuses, & rejections. These voices are often noisy & boisterous. They may even deafen us. Our most spontaneous reaction is to run away from them & return to our entertainment. But if we have the discipline to stay put & not let these dark voices intimidate us, they will gradually lose their strength & recede into the background, creating space for the softer, gentler voices of the light. These voices speak of peace, kindness, gentleness, goodness, joy, hope, forgiveness, &, most of al, love. They have been speaking to us since before we were born, & they reveal to us that there is no darkness in the One who send us into the world, only light.

-The Only Necessary Thing, Henri Nouwen-

all we need is love.

i have been thinking a lot lately about the big 4-letter word: love & how it doesn't just apply to relationships & friendships, especially being Christians. we are called to live a life of LOVE. to love one another as Christ loves us, because His love his abundantly flowing out of us. so why don't we? in our own Christian communities why is there so much slander & hatred? i don't understand, and honestly it hurts my heart & convicts me. "Love covers a multitude of sins" right?

all we need is love.
more later.

the only necessary thing.

prayer.

Henri Nouwe says, "What is MY way to pray, what is the prayer of my heart? What is the most profound in life, & therefore most dear to us, always needs to be properly protected as well as expressed it."

Again...

"Prayer is leading every sorrow to the source of all healing."

To pray means to unite myself with Jesus' heart. 

Help me, Lord, to to distinguish the prayer of my heart.

different.

i just don't get how people could get by without the love of God. my day today just wasn't good because of all the schoolwork & a simple conversation with him is all it takes to lighten up everything.

God you are so in control of my life. & i am on my knees thanking you for that because i don't want to control it. i don't want to do anything with it. it's yours, every single piece of it is Yours to take and mold.

Father- I LOVE YOU. with everything inside of me. thank you for finding & loving me.

well dangit.

Lord- you are beautiful! you are outstanding. i stand in awe of who you are. & how powerful & endless you are. i reminisce of the beauty in my life you have provided. God, there are no words. i wish i could make up a beautiful, intimate language. one that describes that incredibly & outstanding power & love that is you. 

or as David Crowder says, "i need words, as wide as sky. i need language as wide as this longing inside. & i need a voice bigger than mine. & i need a song to sing to you that i've yet to find."

my book.

i think i'm going to change my book up.

i added a prologue last night. about stories. & that what they're about to read is my story. i'm excited. i'm also thinking about making it my senior year in college. & the climatic conflict is that Hayley gets into it with Coleton & they decide they shouldn't talk anymore. He gets a girlfriend (i know, i know...sounds familiar) and she gets hurt. So she decides they shouldn't talk anymore. Tells him that. They have a conversation & then they send each other like one line, real short, letters ever so often. & then on her graduation day he shows up. confesses his love for her & they live happily ever after :). i think i like this ending better. 

i want to finish this book. i want to get it published. for real. it's a goal, a dream. 

God you are incredible. how you are breaking me down inside so that i may see that i only need You. you & that's it. that nothing else matters. the future, my past, relationships, friendships, school...NOTHING- it's just me & You Father. & that's enough. that is MORE than enough. i want to sing of your love forever. i want to praise your name with every breath. i can't imagine a life without Your love, or how i could live & see the stars & the moon, or the morning dew, or the ray of sunshine gracefully falling upon your world...in this deprived & lonely world...You are the only reason why i can see such magnificent beauty. thank you for giving me eyes...& ears...& my heart. I love you Lord.

continued..

the music his life makes is intwined with the music my life makes.

this is it.

I really would love to write- thoroughly write -about what goes on in my life & in my head when it comes to my relationship with God here.

lately i have been thinking a lot about my future husband, go figure right? & i have all these things: young life, music, likes cats...yada yada yada. but is that really important? should any of the matter? i was thinking about how God has this guy planned for me. & how He has this incredibly moment when we will either (1) meet or (2) figure out it's who we are supposed to be with. and shouldn't all that matter is that man loves Christ. that that man will love Christ passionately, with a fire so deep & bright that it will burn within me as well. that every day of that unknown man he will love, serve & worship God more than he will ever love, serve & worship me. does that make ANY sense whatsoever? 

i just can't wait to find him. i can't wait to talk & discover every part of each other's heart. that we make plans. & hold hands. & drive together, with the windows down & music so loud it drowns all our fears. that i will trust a man WITH my heart. & trust that he won't leave. that he will be a man of God that will lead me & secure me, but that has his heart hidden in Christ. 

oh God...lead me to him.