so far to go.

i feel like i need so much growth in my walk with Christ. you are all i need! sometimes i feel so separated, like i don't belong in this world- but i do at the same time. it's a weird feeling. this quote from one tree hill reminds me of how i feel, "Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin, or kind of like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time and I don't belong." Father help me with this. i need you. i have to have your help or else i won't break through, i won't get through this.

more on loving others: 1 john 3:18: "Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."

i learned so much about love this past weekend at Meghan & Ben's wedding. what a beautiful picture, two people who patiently waited, coming together as one in Your name to further the glory of Your kingdom. oh God, it encourages me to wait, patiently & confidently. i want to! i want that beautiful & pure moment. when you know everything, everything, is right. is Your timing. is Your picture. 

i also learned a whole lot about solitude. that we think of solitude as loneliness, but being alone isn't a bad thing- it's a gift from You! these quotes are from the Solitude chapter in Henri Nouwen's The Only Necessary Thing: "But as Christian we are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift- as God's gift -so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God. It is precisely there where we are most alone, most unique, more ourselves, that God is closest to us. That is where we experience God as the divine, loving Father, who knows us better than we know ourselves. Solitude is the way in which we grow into the realization that where we are most alone, we are most loved by God."

"It is in solitude that we discover being is more important than having, and that we are worth more than the result of our efforts. We discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared. It's there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we can express is part of a greater love; & that the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to, but a gift to be received."

"As we empty ourselves of our many worries, we come to know not only with our mind but also with our heart that we never were really alone, that God's spirit was with us all along..."

"The task is to persevere in my solitude, to stay in my cell until all my seductive visitors get tired of pounding on my door & leave me alone...the wisdom of the desert is that the confrontation with our own frightening nothingness forces us to surrender ourselves totally & unconditionally to the Lord Jesus Christ. only Christ can overcome the powers of evil."

"In solitude...fear & anger can slowly be unmasked as manifestations of a false self, & in solitude they can lose their power in the embrace of God's love."

Father thank you for solitude & silence. Thank you for aloness. Father I pray that i continue to recognize Matthew 6:6: "But when you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, & pray to your Father in private." I just beg of You that you fight my mind & the lies the Devil places in it in my solitude time, & that i seek this time of solitude every day. even if it hurts. God you will win. You will overcome evil.

i thank you for an incredible weekend. you...amaze & astonish me. there is no one else i would rather serve or love, God, than you. no one else i would rather follow. thank you for calling me. thank you for knowing my name. thank you for loving me & never, Lord, never leaving me alone. 

i will praise you forever & today.